Divorce Fit: Building Mental Strength through Separation
Divorce isn’t just a legal journey but a pretty hard mental and emotional workout as well. In fact, I would rank a divorce up there with the hardest Soul Cycle class you could ever take. Done twice over! It’s like I tell people, we invest thousands of dollars on gym memberships, diets and coaches for our outside appearance, often neglecting what goes on between our ears.I’m talking about the many cognitive distortions we are all guilty of that are basically the equivalent of muscle - or brain matter- atrophy. We have to catch ourselves and course correct when our brains try to take us down these rabbit holes. Trust me you can get stuck here for a long time, doing nothing other than spinning your wheels (pun intended) giving precious time and energy to the ether. So, to get you in shape and warmed up, I have a routine that I think will really build your emotional resilience and mental stamina not just for your divorce, but beyond. So put on your fav playlist and let’s go:
Set 1, 12 reps: Should and Must-ing
Example:
“I should be over this by now!” “I must move on soon…”
Rational approach:
“I would like to feel better and move on soon. I am doing all I can.”
Really? You “must move on soon?” Says who? Divorce is not a one size fits all approach and while the hot, single mommy next door may have moved on already, you have no idea what she has been through nor what may be just around the corner for her. Psychologist Albert Ellis coined the term "musting" which, along with "shoulding", basically illustrates the unrealistic demands and expectations we place on ourselves that can cause so much unhappiness. Divorce is already a time when you feel so out of control, these sorts of imperatives add unnecessary and unrealistic pressure. Be wary when you use this language and make a concerted effort to soften it as in the example.
Set 2, 15 reps: Awfulizing
Example:
“My divorce is a tragedy, catastrophe, end of the world!”
Rational approach:
“This is unpleasant and not what I had in store for my life but something better is in store.”
“Awfulizing" is another concept derived from psychologist Albert Ellis in which an individual exaggerates the negative aspects of a situation. Awfulizing is destructive as it can result in a self-perpetuating prophecy of doom and gloom. When your brain conjures up worst case scenarios regarding your divorce, it is going to look for evidence of that as truth. So instead of "This is the WORST thing that can happen to me!"
consider, “Maybe something exciting is in store for me!" Have you ever noticed that if someone says “red Ferrari,” suddenly you start seeing red Ferraris everywhere? That is the brain’s reticular activating system kicking into gear and filtering what goes into conscious thought and what gets filtered out. So would you rather your brain look for broken down minivans or red Ferraris? The point is you can intentionally think in a way that manifests your goals.
Set 3, 18 reps: Blaming
Example:
“It’s all my fault”
“It’s all my ex’s fault”
Rational approach:
“We both played a role, if anything/anyone is to blame, it is the dynamic we co-created.”
Blaming places too much responsibility and power on either party. Even if you were 99% to "blame" (newsflash, you were NOT), that 1% created a specific dynamic that resulted in your separation/divorce. I like to think of blame as fiction. We all make decisions with information we have at the time, so it’s pretty useless to superimpose what we know today on a decision we made in the past. A more empowered approach is to consider what you learned and what you can do better in your next relationship.
Set 4, 20 reps: Low frustration tolerance
Example:
“I can’t stop myself from sending that scathing text/email”
“I can’t stop checking his/her social media”
Rational approach:
“There may be immediate gratification in sending the email/text etc., but how does it really serve me?”
If you struggle with self control and just 'can't help yourself' from sending an email or text that will only reflect poorly on you, ask whether it's true that you "Just can't stop yourself?" Newsflash! It's not and you have more control than you give yourself credit for so don't fall back on excuses that you just "have to" do the thing. Reframe it to "It feels uncomfortable to sit with this urge but I can power through and build tolerance!" Remember the analogy of going to the gym? The muscle of taking a few breaths and waiting before you shoot off the hip is very under exercised. Tensions and emotions are as charged as they will ever be during a divorce so now is as good a time as any to workout those coping skills. The more you practice the easier it gets to power through and wait before you send something you will regret
Set 5, 25 reps: Overgeneralizing - “always” or “never” attitudes
Example:
“I will never meet someone”
“Bad things always happen to me”
Rational approach:
“Good things have happened to me, and I have heard about many other people moving on and finding happiness”
Blanket black and white statements like these strip away the nuance of individuals and their situations. As with many of these other cognitive distortions, thinking like this assumes that life after divorce will follow the same negative patterns. In addition to not reflecting reality, these sorts of statements prevent you from thinking clearly and problem solving. Ask yourself, “Is it true that nothing good has ever happened to me?” The answer is probably no. It is essential to take a more balanced, nuanced perspective in order to shift your attitude toward problem solving. Also, you need motivation and hope during a divorce, so actively finding evidence or stories from others that have turned their life around can give you the boost you need. Did you know J.K Rowling was a down and out single mom, who after many rejections was able to sell a manuscript for Harry Potter and is now a billionaire? While that may be an extreme example, with the divorce rate at 47% in the United States, it’s not hard to find uplifting stories if you need a little inspiration.
That should be a really good workout for a beginner. With a little perseverance and discipline you will be able to adapt this workout not just for a divorce, but for all aspects of life.
