Top Four Reasons People Cry Themselves to Sleep During Divorce…and Helpful Antidotes to Each
In case you are not following me on Instagram (which you should be by the way), one of last week’s reels was a distraught Kourtney Kardashian being reassured that it is perfectly fine to cry herself to sleep at night. I could not resist applying this to the many frustrations clients face as they move through divorce – particularly the formal part. After working exclusively with people and couples navigating divorce, I frequently see recurring themes. Frustrations, fears and worries all sound very similar from person to person, particularly during the heaviest phase when the legal proceedings are in full swing. Below are the top four complaints I hear repeatedly, as well as helpful mindset hacks and strategies to cope with each. With any luck these bring you comfort and you can dry those tears.
#1 The process itself is dragging
Your marriage and dynamic took years to build before heading toward its ultimate demolition. Unless you and your spouse agree on everything and have a truly uncontested case, this is a situation in which instant gratification could cost you. Caving to frustration puts you at risk of making hasty decisions, succumbing to unrealistic demands and concessions just to "get it over with". Your marital settlement agreement is a living, breathing document, you want to be able to sleep peacefully at night knowing it is something you can live with.
Antidote #1: Coping with a slow moving divorce
Your restlessness is most likely a sign that your life is lacking in stability and control. Seems reasonable enough, no one likes to feel constantly on edge, under a microscope and lacking resolution. The key point here is to trust the divorce process itself and find other ways to foster control and certainty in your life. What parts of your life can progress even while your divorce is pending? In my case, I knew I wanted to help others, so I began taking classes, writing and doing pro-bono coaching even before my divorce was finalized. Feeling like I was making progress in this department of my life, shrunk down the areas that were gaping holes of unknown. Ironically, the process of getting divorced reminded me a little of planning my wedding. There were periods of intense decision making and then the pendulum would swing back to a time of calmer seas. Take advantage during the downtime with lots of rest, self-care and mental breaks from the minutia and negotiations.
#2. You do all the bending while the other party remains inflexible
What if you trust the process, but are dealing with an angry, vengeful soon-to-be ex that is stalling and obstructive around every corner? If your ex exhibits narcissistic or disordered traits such as lacking empathy, inflexibility, and rigid thinking you may already be expecting an uphill battle. Pull out whatever stops you can to prioritize your mental health so that you can remain calm, respectful, and compromising when you can, but uphold boundaries when you cannot.
Antidote #2 : Coping with an inflexible spouse during divorce
Triggers from others often point to something within us that we recognize or are suppressing. In this case, perhaps the two-year-old in you longs to throw a temper tantrum to get your way too. Who doesn’t at times during a divorce? The worst tactic you could take would be to fight crazy with crazy and feed the beast. But you have rights too and are also capable of setting terms that are acceptable to you. To do so, I suggest categorizing your asks into: What do I really want? What would I like? What can I give up? Keep this list somewhere and remind yourself of it. Remember, the other party's inflexibility is not a good look, know that your ability to compromise will help you in the long run even though it may not seem like it right now.
As a last means resort, if your spouse is truly uncooperative speak to your family lawyer about more serious options. Some include, asking a judge to order child support or alimony payments while the divorce is pending, finding an uncooperative party in contempt of court or request for the non-compliant spouse to pay attorney’s fees.
# 3 Being left in the dark
Several of my clients have been caught off guard when they were not kept informed of key developments in their case. With any luck you chose your attorney after a vetting process of some sort and trust this person. Communication from your attorney is key as most clients are likely unfamiliar with the divorce process and in general, confused regarding the many intricacies of family law.
Antidote #3 : Coping with confusion and the unknown of divorce
At the end of the day, attorneys are human with several active cases and moving pieces at any given time. Think of yourself as the boss of this process - your lawyer works for you after all. Familiarize yourself with their office policies in terms of turnaround time for phone calls and emails and then stay on top of it. Any good lawyer should take the time to answer your questions, and while this may increase fees in the short term it may save thousands down the line. I used to worry that I was bothering my lawyers, until I remembered that they work for me and appreciate an organized and committed client. Be very wary of any divorce attorney that makes you feel like a burden.
# 4 Living under same roof while divorce is pending
Many couples remain living under the same roof while the divorce is pending or until temporary orders are in place. For obvious reasons this is less than pleasant, particularly if the relationship is in such disrepair that there is a complete breakdown in communication. If you were not on eggshells before, you more than likely will be now.
Antidote #4: Coping strategies for living with a spouse while divorce is pending
I like to think of this time as less a purgatory of sorts and more of a metamorphosis. Much like a developing butterfly, you are temporarily trapped on the outside, but are preparing for freedom on the inside. Now is as good a time as any to begin practicing emotional regulation when triggered by your spouse. You are intimately aware of his/her patterns by now, how can you anticipate and manage your response accordingly? In other words, start taking responsibility now for how you show up as an ex and coparent. As a bonus this will stand you in good stead for healthy relationships down the line.
Another tweak involves experimenting with different approaches: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result. Is there a particularly toxic dynamic between the two of you where one just needs to bite the bullet and be the adult? An example could be, he/she has historically fallen short of your expectations which creates conflict. Knowing this person will not get an instant upgrade to dad or father of the year once the divorce is finalized, practice managing your expectations now.
Allow each other the space you need: from the physical i.e., setting up separate bedrooms and parts of the house (note: make sure children understand the changes) to allowing for a schedule where each of you can spend time alone and parent the children while the other is out. If you are the default parent, taking your hands off the wheel will be inevitable, use this time as a trial run to see how you each fare and make tweaks. Finally, remember you get to fly eventually even if it seems to be taking forever. Make the most of your time in limbo both in terms of your own personal growth and development and how you restructure your relationship with your soon-to-be-ex.
In full disclosure, this is the tip of the iceberg and there are certainly a lot more where these came from. But if I were to put money on it, and poll other family law attorneys our list would all look quite similar. None of this advice is meant to sound trite or pollyannish, but if you can apply just a few of these nuggets the hope is to put an end to ever crying yourself to sleep – at least not over a divorce.
