Snow and Ice Metaphors from a Chicago Divorce Coach
If you live in the Midwest or Northeastern part of the United States, you have probably had some snow this year. If you do not…well, consider yourself lucky! Coaches speak in metaphor and living in Chicago as a divorce coach, I have gathered my fair share of snow and ice related metaphors. It is fascinating just how many ways they can be applied to help you through your divorce. In this post, I am going to furnish you with my top two.
Overwhelming thoughts during a divorce are like a snowstorm
This last weekend we got snow in Chicago, and as I sat watching the snow fall and visibility decrease, the scene reminded me very much of our brain during a divorce. So many thoughts, feelings, and anxieties, each one presenting a unique hurdle from the next. You don't know where to start and so you just let the heavy thoughts pile up, feeling defeated. Just as you recover and dig yourself out from one pile, another one is dumped on you.
But what happens when you stop amidst a snowstorm and catch a snowflake? It melts! In fact, it usually melts so fast you can barely appreciate its beauty (ok, if you live in Chicago it may stick because of our Arctic temperatures). You can train yourself to do the same with those intrusive thoughts and fears during your divorce - catch them and critically examine each one, perhaps even learning something.
When faced with challenging fears during a divorce ask yourself these questions:
How true is this thought?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is this to happen?
If this happens, then what?…If so, then what?…If so, then what?
…keep peeling back the layers, like an onion until you have nowhere else to go
By questioning the stories you tell yourself, 9 times out of 10, the thought may melt away, not feel so heavy after all, appear more manageable, or the action required on your part may become clear. The point is, we can improve our visibility during the emotional storm of divorce, when we stop and examine each thought, rather than simply accepting and allowing them to accumulate. You can do it yourself, but when there is so much snow it helps to invest in some salt and snow removal gear. Whatever your divorce storm removal looks like - a therapist, or a divorce coach or support group - just make sure you invest in it. Afterall, if a blizzard were to hit, you would prepare and plan ahead rather than remain a sitting duck and succumb to destruction.
Your anger during a divorce is like an iceberg
As a Chicago divorce coach, it would be remiss not to include the anger iceberg in my metaphors. This is a helpful metaphor for surface level rage or fury that is indicative of something more complex underneath. Beneath anger are often feelings of shame, disappointment, rejection, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, hurt, pain, frustration, regret, danger, overwhelm, helplessness, offense, discomfort etc. Here are some specific examples as they relate to divorce:
Watching an ex treat someone how you wanted to be treated may send you into a fit of rage. Below this iceberg is disappointment over unmet expectations in your partnership.
When someone innocently expresses sympathy for what you are going through, you feel irritated the rest of the day. Below this iceberg is shame and limiting beliefs around divorce carried over from childhood.
When your children leave to go on a trip with your ex, you begin rage cleaning the minute they leave. Below this iceberg is loneliness and sadness for lost memories with your children.
You may relate to one or all of these or you may have a list as long as your arm of your own. The good news is that you can use the anger iceberg to help anger work for you, rather than against you. Here is how:
Step 1: Understand what triggered you by asking, “Where does this emotion come from?”
Step 2: Identify what is going on underneath the iceberg.
Step 3: Find healthy ways to attend to your anger.
Step 4: Channel the energy into things you would rather focus on that get you closer to who you want to be.
When you get curious rather than furious, you allow possibilities to open up that channel your energy in healthier directions. Do you really want to give your ex spouse a minute more of your power, energy or life than you already have? So why not use the momentum created by anger to improve upon yourself, your career, parenting and/or relationships. The truth is, when you hit that iceberg you can sink or you can see it as a challenge and find ways to circumvent it to smoother, more peaceful waters.
