Uncomfortable Questions
Sometimes you just talk and talk and ask so many questions. Ugh, I wish you would just shut up." The words stung so badly and came as such a shock, she (who will remain unnamed) got her wish, I was rendered speechless. I had always considered myself a warm person, able to draw even the most introverted and shy people out of their shell, but thrown off by this tactless comment, I was not so sure anymore. I felt the tendency to show an interest in someone by asking them about themselves a good trait, not a personality flaw! It took me a long time after that to recalibrate, own the fact that I was naturally curious, but also know where too much interest became intrusive.
It so happens that I do love to ask questions, and I am sure that "she-who-will-remain-unnamed" is not the only person that thinks I ask too many. But as I reflect, I wonder if this is what drew me to coaching in the first place. Having already spent well over a hundred hours studying, training and working as a coach, if there is one thing I am trained in, it is the importance of a well placed question. You see, a coaches job is to help a client uncover possible solutions for themselves, a coaches job is not to give someone the answers. Therefore curiosity, but more importantly, teaching curiosity is central to the art of coaching.
It took me years to stop asking others for advice and start looking within for what my opinion of my troubled marriage was. Only you know why you are unhappy or unfulfilled in your marriage; why you are dragging out your divorce; or what is stopping you from forgiving yourself and looking forward. Yes, it is no fun asking some of these questions or facing your truth, but there is immense emotional freedom in looking the answers slap bang in the face and taking action. That is where the real work happens producing the results you want in your life.
So now, let me address some of your questions as they relate to engaging a divorce coach
What is the point of private coaching? Is it worth it?
In even the most amicable of circumstances, divorce is still a transition that may call for more than a self-help book, a do-it-yourself program or google. That's because when it comes to what is going on inside your marriage, inside your divorce and inside your head, there is no one size fits all. Sometimes you need the laser focus and dynamic approach of an expert offering support, guidance and accountability . That's why athletes have coaches, successful leaders have coaches, entrepreneurs have coaches and that's why for you, private coaching - from contemplating divorce all the way through committing to move on - will be an absolute game changer.
"But can't I just get through it myself?”
That depends, do you run to friends and family that unwittingly escalate drama, or shy away from it completely? Do you shoot off emails or texts to your ex or soon-to-be ex that you regret? Does your frustration, sadness and anger affect how you make decisions and parent? Are you dragging your heels in reaching a settlement? So sure, you can do it yourself, but how is that working out for you so far?
"But I am already paying a lawyer?!"
Hell, yes you are. And I am willing to bet you are paying a lawyer upwards of three to five times the hourly rate of a good coach. I am also quite certain that you have lots of thoughts to unpack and digest after each consultation, mediation and (especially) court date etc. etc. You can rack up an impressive legal bill, or, you can partner with someone equipped with the necessary skills and training to help you get organized, strategize and shift perspectives to optimize your progress and healing. I'm guessing the latter sounds more appealing.
"Can I get a taste of how coaching can help me?"
Most coaches offer free consultations to understand the particular challenges you face, where you are now and where you want to be by the time you finish working together. This gives them an opportunity to discern whether the coaching process is appropriate for you and whether the two of you will be a good fit.
"Do you have proof that it works?"
If you show up to each session, commit to the process and complete the action steps in between, you will notice considerable improvement in your confidence and decision making, hit milestones and feel an overall sense of leaning into your best self. Also, the proof is in the pudding! What kind of coach would I be if I didn't buy into it myself? I get this question all the time, "But Melissa, did you have a coach?" Yes, of course, I only wish I had discovered coaching much earlier as it is now a staple in my self-care regimen. A recovering "glass half empty" thinker, I spent over 40 years "should'ing" all over my past regrets yet less than one year recovering from a difficult divorce with three young children involved.
Now that's some gold-medal coaching!
