Five Tips for a Smooth Transition Between Two Homes
Helping your children transition between two homes is essential in promoting as healthy a dynamic as possible and reducing the emotional strain of divorce. As divorced parents, we are often given the advice to strive for a business-like relationship with an ex. This applies to everything from communication to operations. Your child’s transitions between two homes must become a streamlined, reproducible part of operations so that the job can be done with minimal effort and stress every time. Good leaders are successful in business because they systematize and standardize their procedures and as divorced parents, there is a lot we can learn from this. With one excellent leader, an organization can thrive from the top down.
Whether you have an amicable or high conflict situation, the transition between your home and your ex’s can be especially confusing and stressful for the children. The good news is, there is a lot you can do to smooth your child’s transition, even if you are the only one to take action. It just requires wearing your CEO hat on the days your child(ren) have to transition between you and your co-parent. Here are five ways to make sure the business of transferring kids becomes a well-oiled machine:
Establish a routine that starts the night before
All businesses have operating procedures, so that if the leadership team had to go up in smoke, the company could still serve its customers. Employees are prepared and well trained to execute their individual roles which empowers them to perform well and anticipate roadblocks. Establishing a regular and consistent routine is crucial to decreasing any anticipatory anxiety and gearing your kids up for a smooth transition between two homes. Planning ahead mitigates risk which decreases stress level for a business, but also for you. For example, if you are concerned about your child’s diet with your co parent, why not make sure you send them off with a home cooked meal the night before and make a family dinner part of your routine? Starting the routine as early as the night before signals to your child that your parenting time is coming to an end and that he/she is about to see mom/dad.
Choose a neutral location
Choosing a neutral place for conducting business builds consistency and is a significant factor in a good routine. A neutral place such as school or a park can help avoid conflicts that may arise when parents meet in a place that is associated with the history of their relationship. For example, meeting at the former family home can be quite awkward when you see your ex’s new girlfriend leaving your old house. Also, grown ups are far less likely to behave like children when in the public eye. Meeting in a neutral place can ease tension for you, but especially the children that don’t want to feel caught in the middle during a transition in which they may feel guilty leaving one noticeably upset parent.
Keep communication open
Under ideal circumstances, communication between you and your co-founder should be open and honest. If you have ever been in a role in which you have more than one supervisor, you know how confusing and infuriating it is when the right hand does not know what the left hand is doing. One of your managers may assign a seemingly simple task, only to have it balloon in scope and responsibility due to poor communication amongst management. The same goes for your kids when they transition between two homes. For example, you would not appreciate finding out the night before that your ex signed your child up for karate on your weekend with them. The more the two of you are on the same page, the more secure and organized your children feel. Remember also that business dialogue is polite, to the point and free of drama and theatrics. If you can’t engage in face to face conversation, consider sending ‘hand-off’ emails detailing important information prior to the physical handoff. There are also many co parenting apps such as Our Family Wizard, that streamline communication, track shared expenses and keep calendars.
Keep belongings accessible
The importance of adequate inventory cannot be overstated. You would not expect your employees to get their job done without the necessary equipment and supplies. The important job of being a child requires healthcare supplies, uniforms, sports equipment, school forms etc. Set your kids up for success by duplicating anything you can, and where not possible, have a strict clause in your parenting plan that outlines exactly what happens when essential items are left at your co parent. If you are co parenting with an unreasonable ex, you are at risk of being an Uber driver for children’s belongings that were left at their mom/dad’s house. Bottom line, until such time that your children are old enough to take responsibility for their own supplies, you are their supply chain manager.
Remain positive and patient
Who wants to work for a boss that is grumpy and intolerant? It does not exactly scream benevolent leadership. Children learn by observing the behavior of adults around them, and by remaining positive and patient, you can use experiences like these as a unique opportunity to model healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with difficult situations. A quick goodbye kiss, and shifting the focus on how much fun they are going to have, rather than how much you will miss them can be very reassuring for a child. Remaining positive also shows that you support your child's relationship with the other parent and that you are committed to making the transition as smooth as possible. For extremely resistant children that may be struggling with separation anxiety, here is what has worked: a transition object, a picture of you, emotion cards, and a journal in which they can write to you.
A smooth transition between two homes and running a business both require excellent organizational skills, effective communication, and careful planning to ensure a successful outcome, which in this case equates to happy kids and less stressed parents. Of course, if there is any concern about safety, none of this advice applies and you should contact a family law attorney in your state. What I appreciate about the analogy of coparenting and business, is it provides a relatable framework for something that is so foreign to most of us - having to share our children. And what do you do at the end of a long day at work? Put your feet up, have a glass of wine and relax. Because the upside of having to send your children off for a period of time is having an opportunity to catch your breath and do something for you.
