Eight Survival Tips for Living Together while Divorcing
Coping strategies for living together while divorce is pending
Living under the same roof while a divorce is pending is no picnic for an estranged couple, much less any children involved. Uncomfortable at best, torture at worst, some common questions one may ask are “How on earth do we coexist under potentially hostile and awkward conditions?” “What if I do my part and he/she is still disrespectful/obstructive and in denial?”, “How do we not let this disrupt the kids?” While the imagery of a butterfly growing and developing whilst trapped in a chrysalis comes to mind, I recognize that living under the same roof as your soon-to-be ex may not be quite so lovely. But, like a pupa you have an opportunity to grow, learn, mature, and beautify yourself inside and out. And while I have tips for you, no one, other than a judge has any control over your soon-to-be ex. So an important disqualifier is that while there are no guarantees with regards to your spouse’s behavior, you can most certainly do your part to ease tension and model respect for your children.
If you have consulted with your lawyer and it is apparent that, for whatever reason, a physical separation is not possible or advisable until the divorce is final, here are some ways to make the most of this interim situation.
Do something different
You will never again have to live in such proximity to this person. Now is as good a time as any to reflect and bring awareness into what is not working in your interactions with him/her. You are intimately aware of his/her patterns and triggers. Consider experimenting with different approaches: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly. Is there a particularly toxic dynamic between the two of you where you can take initiative and make an adjustment? For example, you have certain expectations around parenting, and he/she always falls short. Can you adjust them now so that you are not disappointed once the divorce is final? If your relationship is on the brink of demise, you have likely already experimented and tried different approaches either alone or with the support of a couple’s counselor. They likely did not work, but what if you could try them knowing an end is in sight? This is temporary and, you never know, something may just click that will improve your coparenting relationship going forward. In sum, swallow your pride and start taking responsibility now for how you show up as an ex and coparent.
Establish physical boundaries and divvy chores
Hash out household chores, as well as who has free reign over common areas. This is important on several fronts. First physical boundaries and distance sends the message to your spouse that you are serious and will not fall back into old patterns. Splitting household responsibility ensures equal – or at least some - contribution from both parties while also making it as comfortable and stress free for all involved. It also gives you the emotional distance you need and possibly even relief from fighting or friction. Of course, if household roles and chores worked before, there is no need to fix what is not broken.
Have a schedule
Consider having a schedule where you and your ex each have a turn parenting the kids. This gives each of you the opportunity to have independent time with the children in your home, without the other interjecting or imposing their opinion or control. See this as a segue into the new normal of shared parenting time. This also gives the primary caregiver - whoever that is in your household - time alone to focus on themselves, and importantly, allows the less involved parent a chance to dip their toes into the trenches. Each of you deserve time with your children without a soon-to-be ex controlling, bickering, micromanaging or otherwise breathing down your back. Many women express concern about relinquishing more time and control to their spouse. Now is the time to wrap your head around the fact that, barring any harm or abuse, your spouse can and must take care of his/her kids.
Talk to your children
Once you are sure this is the direction you are headed, it is crucial to have age-appropriate discussions with your children about the changes happening. Kids have active imaginations, if they notice you are suddenly sleeping in a different bedroom, what they think to be true may be much worse than reality. So, fill them in and perhaps go so far as to allow them to have a say. For example, “We can make your favorite dinner on the nights I am with you, what do you want this week?” or “This is our weekend together, do you want to go to the pool or have a playdate?” Finally, reassure them that while there may be some changes happening, many parts of their life will stay the same. For now, you are all living at the same address, their school is the same and their friends will stay the same.
Get financially savvy
Whether you keep finances as status quo or decide to build a new budget for this separation phase, use this time to familiarize yourself with current and future expenses. If you have been disengaged in the finances up until now, this is a perfect time to learn more while having the security of a combined household income. To remain one step ahead, set up a “post separation” budget and begin to forecast expenses based on what you know now. Log into any shared accounts and credit cards, note the balances and activity and use this information to get organized. If you have not already done so, you will need to disclose all debts, assets, credit cards etc. during the financial discovery part of divorce, so once again, these measures will put you ahead of the game. Finally, if you have never had a credit card in your name, now is a good time to open one to begin establishing good credit. This is by no means exhaustive, but the bare minimum of what is needed to build financial independence and empowerment.
Be respectful
My mediator gave us great advice that I continue to borrow in my work with clients. Treat your spouse or ex-spouse at least as well as you would treat the Target check out person. I remember feeling saddened that the bar of decency was apparently that low in our marriage, but such is the state of relational disrepair many couples face. Your next thought may be, “Well, that’s great advice, but it’s him/her that has the problem, not me.” It doesn’t matter, you can still do your part to model respect for your children and, quite frankly, for your future self. You want to be proud of how you handled yourself.
Prioritize Mental Health
Divorce tests your sanity, there is no doubt. So why not use this as a time to elevate your mental health? You are being stretched to the max, and now is as good a time as any to undo destructive patterns, tend to any unfinished business you may have repressed all these years and, just in general, recalibrate grit, resilience, and fortitude. For example, if it were not for my divorce, I would never have learnt how to finally, at the age of forty plus, manage my own mind. I generally shy away from the term self-care, but whatever you want to call it, do even more during this time. Learn what works for you and what does not. For example, I prefer exercises like boxing and barre over yoga. While I don’t like journaling, I found writing and sharing what I have to say therapeutic. I shocked myself by discovering that meditation works even when my mind is racing a mile a minute. We are living during an age where the focus on self-development and growth is so bloated it has almost become gimmicky. But that just means there is something out there for everyone and now is a time to discover what leaves you feeling just a little bit better than when you started.
Create something
When the pressure cooker of anxiety and stress becomes too much, create something. Rollo May, one of the founding fathers of existential counseling said about anxiety, “it’s as though the world is knocking at your door saying, ‘You need to create, you need to make something, you need to do something’”.[1] Creating something can be a wonderfully therapeutic way to turn the intangible into something tangible and enhance insight. Harnessing the power of creativity can help you better understand yourself, your problems, and paths to healing. What about a vision board for your life after the separation? You could keep it high-level and focus on the basics: job, children, friends, or you can go into detail and redesign each room of the house or of your new pad depending on who is vacating the marital home. Either way, find a creative and healthy way to displace anxiety, stress, and fear.
Finally, remember you get to fly eventually even if it seems like forever. Make the most of your time in limbo both in terms of your own development and how you restructure your relationship with your soon-to-be ex. Not easy I know, but I hope this relieves your anxiety and provides some actionable steps to take. He/she may be unbearable to live with right now but as long as you are safe, and legally obligated, do your best to manage what you can. Remember, you have been through a lot to get this to spot, do not let temporarily living under the same roof be the hill you die on, rather, let it be the branch you fly from.
Link to sign up for my free “Divorce Recovery Booklet” here.
[1] Mishlove, J. [Thinking Aloud TV]. (2013, March 19). The Human Dilemma. [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HH-9XkjqYHY
